#461: The South Pole

architecture chairs city commuter

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I’ve been writing a lot about what it feels like to live in a completely different world, apart from where I was used to, and away from the people I used to spend so much of my regular, daily time with. I’ve written a lot about how I feel like an exile in a strange world, and how I feel trapped as well in this place where I’m unable to leave or move away from, at least not yet or not without some extra help. I tried my best with the last person I was with, and even though everything seemed to be going great, even though the cards were stacked perfectly in my favor, I still somehow screwed it up.

I can’t take all the blame, though. I know for a fact that being betrayed isn’t something you can just take as your own, accept as completely your own fault. There’s more to betrayal than just the mistakes made by the person who was betrayed upon. There’s the impetus of the decision, the motivation to make the betrayal, but not everything needs to be relegated to that one person. It’s not fair to them, and not fair to me, for me to assume all responsibility for how things went wrong. I simply can’t accept that about myself, as hard as that may sound. I want to succeed somehow, in spite of everything, and recapture the motivation I lost while I was becoming complacent.

This blog post was originally going to be about the South Pole, because we’re working on that right now in R&P for school. It’s one of the topics we’re discussing together and analyzing in detail thanks to some supplementary readings. It sometimes feels like I’m living in the South Pole these days, so I guess that’s how I’d connect things.

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