No, I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know a lot right now, and I’m trying to find comfort in my lack of knowledge and preparation. It’s hard to find comfort while feeling so lost, so barren and without the same reassurance you’re used to. When someone great is gone, as James Murphy once said, we’re safe, for the moment.
My commute now is radically different from what it used to be. I don’t feel the same level of safety and security at my current job that I used to have. Instead of feeling like I can last here at least until the end of the year, I now feel a strange feeling of total abandonment. Nothing feels right any more. There’s so much distance between myself and my past life at this point, so it feels like everything that happened over the past few years was just an illusion, like all my efforts were in vain. I don’t want to sound super depressed, but sometimes it’s impossible to avoid feeling like everything is your fault, even when it isn’t.
My current commute is about an hour long, give or take a little bit of time here and there. It changes depending on traffic. I’m not used to having such a long commute. I know Alex has a much worse time getting to work and getting home because she has to take public transportation, but I feel like driving is a bit different. You have to be awake, active, alert at all times, and completely dedicated to what you’re doing. You can’t slip up, not one bit. That means when you wake up you have to be prepared for the worst. To some people they aren’t exactly thrilled to have to do that, and I’m one of them.