#40: Waiting


Isn’t it a bit miserable, the process of waiting to hear back from an interview? The tension in your mind, the confusion setting in. The absolute bane of an insecure, anxious person. Like the stages of grief, you learn to deny, barter, and ultimately accept your fate, regardless of how the outcome resolves. You went through hell to get to this point, and now you realize it’s hardly a land of tranquil meadows and serene gardens on the other side; it’s dominated on all sides by potential outcomes, some of which are desirable, others not so much. You wonder whether the meadows and gardens only exist in your dreams, not reality. You wait for the phone to ring or your email to buzz. You want it to be over, but more than that, you want the job.

That’s ultimately the point of all this, isn’t it? To be a gainfully employed member of society once again. To let loose the shackles of lazy, pointless days and move in a productive, professional direction, where I can put my education and experience to good use as an editor, teacher, writer, tutor, teacher assistant, counselor, whichever shoe fits the best. A problem is, I don’t wear shoes (in this metaphor) nowadays, so while I want to find a well-fitted shoe for myself to finally have, another part of me is fearful that my recent inexperience will make the process more difficult and complicated than it needs to be. That’s where fear sets in. And fear sucks the most of all. But I must remember to stay determined on this path, as I won’t have a second chance to do this over again.

I hope this all doesn’t come across as me writing a justification for being inactive, on the blog or on the job hunt. Contrary to my anxieties, I have been putting my best foot forward throughout all this, and my intentions are legitimate and sincere. I have no intention of messing this up, and I would never self-sabotage my work. The gardens and meadows on the other side are inviting me in, I need only find the path. But where is it? And does it truly lead to happiness, or just another mirage? Unfortunately for me, I was never too good at wayfinding as a kid, and I doubt I’ll be able to distinguish between the two futures until I’ve already taken the job. I was never good at predicting the future, either.

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