#19: Falling

Sometimes you feel like you are falling, like the whole world around you is disintegrating and you are left to watch it pass away. Those are frightening times, made to test and train those much stronger and bolder and reckless than I am. A trial by fire not designed with the weak of heart in mind.

When I first realized I was falling in place, it was a few months ago, when I fell asleep under the same ceiling as always, yet could hardly see it any more. All I saw, upon looking upwards, was a derelict, disappointing future, one where I drove every morning of every week day wondering what horrors I would be grappling with in my head seven hours from now. I saw morning Dunkin rushes, a necessary quick breakfast run to set the day, and a finished packet of hash browns left on the passenger seat. I saw temporary, early-career bonding, and then a door slammed shut and never reopened, not once. I saw an endless gallery of amused and aloof faces lining the hallways, too preoccupied in their individual solitudes to see that mine was tearing me apart. I saw nothing worth saving except those who reached out and reached in. I saw minefields of memories, postcards and potholes from the days and weeks I missed. I saw time slip from me as if I was stuck in one room, in one time for the rest of my life. I saw conversations with innocent strangers about topics that will never be relevant again outside of this building, even this moment. I saw the same faces that watched me cry after the first day, and I watched them watch me.

Can never be too sure of one thing, but I am sure of this: my life was twisted and malformed by a time and a place I didn’t belong to for more than a year, and even then, it’s arguable I didn’t belong there even when I was there. It can be hard to admit weakness, but when one is rendered so weak that they need to ask for help, it’s a sign. Not everyone is heartless, but those who are upon first impression rarely disappoint.


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